WOW. What a couple of weeks it has been for us. My emotions are bouncing off the walls, and thank GOODNESS I have such a patient and sweet husband to put up with them all.
It just hit me Monday night that I'm not pregnant anymore. My mind was consumed with the dreaded "procedure" (D&C) for a week, then the heavy painkillers and sleep set in. I walked downstairs as Jon was cooking dinner, and just broke down. It's so crazy after 10 weeks of being pregnant, how you change your life and lifestyle and ready your mind that you are going to be a mommy, and then it can all come crashing down in an instant. It's unreal. I seriously think that I'm in a horrible dream, and I'm going to wake up - but then I remember it's all true, and reality sets in.
I have been in a lot of pain since Saturday. Friday I was ok, and my spirits were good. I was looking forward to enjoying a relaxing weekend with my husband before I went back to work. The cramps hit me like a ton of bricks on Saturday morning, and I've been laid up ever since. YUCK.
I still haven't had the courage to talk about what happened with me. Rob called me on Sunday and we discussed it briefly, but then went on to other hot topics of interest. I have surrounded myself with my fabulous husband, my parents, Jon's parents, our brothers and sisters, Mattie McDaddy, and my good friends Amanda, Kristen and Robyn. I can't bring myself to go outside "the circle" I have surrounded myself with. I know that when I'm around these people, I don't have to talk about it and if I do, and I cry, it's ok. I'm terrified of talking about it with people and then just breaking down. I know it's going to happen, but not sure I can handle that right now.
My mom came over tonight just to check on me. She's so great. I always know that that crazy lady is always there for me, no matter what. Sometimes I just need a Mom hug, and I surely got one tonight. Her and Dad were there for me during the procedure, along with Jon of course. But for them to sit and wait 4 long hours in not so comfortable chairs, was above and beyond anything I could have ever asked for. Mom asked if it was ok if she went. She wanted to be there for me. Jon left it totally up to me, and what I wanted. Dad told me that morning he was going to go to support me. I wanted Mom and Dad there not only to support me, but to support Jon. I think he was more excited, if that is even possible, than me that I was pregnant. This is something that we have talked about for so long. He has been so incredibly awesome through this whole process. He has been my rock, my shoulder to cry on, all the while working full days and dealing with this too. I have definitely fallen in love with him all over again. My love for him has grown by leaps and bounds, and I didn't even think that was possible. I know that's super cheesy, but it's totally true.
I want to thank everyone who has sent a facebook message, an email, a text message, or a phone call. It really means alot to me that people take the time out of their busy day to let me know that they are sorry, and they are praying for us. What an awesome feeling to feel so loved. It's overwhelming and very heartwarming.
A very wise lady told me today I can only take one day at a time. I can't worry about tomorrow and how I will feel. I have to deal with the emotions I am feeling today right now, and not worry about tomorrow and what's going to happen then. I've decided that's how I'm going to get through this. With the help of Jon and our families, we are going to put one foot in front of the other, and take one day at a time - and don't forget to breathe.
